Sexuality….  Shhhhh!!!

Sexuality is one of the biggest, most visible ways the enemy has attacked the beauty of God’s creation on this earth. It began at the fall, after “two became one flesh,” and has continued to degenerate since. Just like the Garden of Eden, we continue to hide and the beautiful institution of sex… God’s gift to his creation… has been covered by shame, guilt, fear and abuse.

In Christian circles, we SHOULD BE shouting from the rooftops about the amazing and wonderful gift of sex. Let’s be honest…the Song of Songs is like the biblical version of the Kama Sutra. There is graphic visual imagery in there…all for us to learn, grow, and revel in this beautiful aspect of God’s creation.

Instead of celebrating sexuality, many have partnered with the enemy and further corrupted this gift through shame, embarrassment and secrecy. This very culture of secrecy enables and fosters environments where sexual abuse can thrive. I want to be VERY CLEAR about something…lack of communication about sexuality or hiding in shamefulness does not equal holiness! This silence and shame creates quite the opposite effect and creates a foothold for the enemy.

In order to create a lasting change in Christian behavior regarding sexuality, we should really take a closer look at how our culture as a whole treats sexuality, what we tell our children about it, and how we relate to our spouses regarding the topic. We must ask ourselves, “Can we be the change?”

Take a reflective moment: How does our culture treat sexuality? Pleasure? How many articles on social media have we seen about women being shamed for breastfeeding their infants in public? Our culture has over-sexualized breasts for so long, we cannot even use them for their purpose without being condemned by others. Many of us have family members who become embarrassed when we talk about things like bowel movements, much less sex! There is widespread secrecy around the epidemic of pornography in our Christian homes, both in print and online. It’s been titled, “every man’s battle.” We continue to see societal atrocities such as human sex trafficking, rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment and childhood sexual abuse. I think it is a fair question to ask: would we not decrease the power of these horrific incidents if we engaged in more honest conversations and education of our children and each other? But…alas…. it’s uncomfortable. To be honest, I’m sending virtual kudos to you if you’re reading this blog at all! 

Another reflective moment: What were you told about sexuality as a child?  Let’s really think about our own experiences and how that has (and continues to) impact our lives today. What did your parents tell you about your changing body or sexuality? Did they tell you anything at all? Some of my friends had a children’s book thrown down and were told to read it and then ask questions if they had any. Some were told, “sex is bad, don’t do it.” (That works so well for building a future healthy relationship…sarcastic tone and eye roll inserted here). Others were told nothing at all about sexuality or puberty and describe experiences of incredible fear and trauma when their body began to change, or they began to menstruate. And then still, many parents allow their children to be educated by the school systems and inevitably, their children’s friends. We can imagine the widespread misconceptions, misunderstandings, and misinformation that fly around a school locker room or bus. For those who did get a “conversation,” did your mom or dad stammer awkwardly clamoring on? Was it obvious they wanted to be finished with the “talk” more than you did? Why are these stories so prevalent in our homes?

This lack of education about sexuality in our homes leads to difficulty communicating about sexuality to our partner/spouse. Many married couples experience great difficulty communicating with honesty about sexual pleasure and experiences. As a whole, we are unconnected with our bodies, our pelvic floor and our own pleasure.  What harm have we caused by avoiding the topic of sexual pleasure…and worse yet, how have we continued to perpetuate the shame with which sexual pleasure is so often associated? Why on earth should we be ashamed to talk about sexual pleasure? (Do you feel yourself blushing just reading this? Heart palpitations? Ask yourself a deeper question…why?)

In my clinical practice as a pelvic health physical therapist, I have seen so many young women with painful sex. Many of them have been abstinent until marriage and had a horrible first sexual experience. Many of them were so anxious about this component of their marriage, instead of glowing with excitement. Why does this happen so often to young women? My hypothesis revolves around what they are taught about sexuality from a young age. As kids in Christian homes especially, sexuality is viewed as naughty, aka “sex is bad, don’t do it.” Fast forward and all of a sudden, sex is supposed to be beautiful and wonderful. That transition is very, very difficult for the brain to make, especially when connecting emotionally is so very important during sexual intimacy. Bottom line is this: Sex in Christian homes is often a sink or swim situation. We turn out our children and say good luck.

My own personal experience included figuring out so many things on my own. I know what being a prisoner to guilt and shame around sex feels like. It took me YEARS in my own marriage to talk about sexual pleasure with my husband. There was SUCH shame surrounding something God intended to be so, so good. Thankfully, there is freedom from that!

As Christians, we really have to ask ourselves some deeper questions…what is the fear of talking about sexuality? Where does this shame and guilt originate? How do we allow fear to shape how we engage others about sex? In order to have the most awesome sexual experience, a beautiful gift from God, we must release the shame and guilt associated with sexuality and receive the healing God offers here. There are many resources to help in that healing journey! Let’s be that change!