Revealed Love
“ There are stages to the process which Michelangelo used in revealing God’s masterpieces within his sculpting. Likewise, there are stages to the journey of restoration and revealing in our lives. The following post gives a glimpse into this process for a dear friend of ours. Typically, we would only allow a guest post if it were signed by the author’s true name. However, we walk with God in this ministry and the message we’ve been given of restoration and revealing is about one name, and that’s Jesus. We respect her desire to remain anonymous and protect herself and those she loves. We believe, hope, and know that full healing is available for each of us; we must not only trust in the destination of our healing...we must also trust in the journey. ”
I hate shopping for Mother’s Day cards. How do I shop for someone who has torn me down my entire life?
My relationship with my mother was doomed from the start. She is a histrionic narcissist. Without bogging down in the details, my mother was threatened by my existence because I drew attention away from her. Love was conditional from her, rather than unconditional. I heard countless times “you’re too fat,” “you need to lose weight,” “you need to be more like a girl,” “you’re too emotional,” “what’s wrong with you?”. These comments play over and over in my head. What WAS wrong with me? Although my father loved me very much, the damage done by my mother was unable to be erased by my father’s love.
I moved 3000 miles away from my family to escape the engulfing control of my mother and the carnage from her infidelity that destroyed my parents’ marriage. By the grace of God, He placed a fabulous man in my life who somehow knew how to draw me out of my shell and become more alive--my husband. He would sit with me when I struggled to define my feelings. He coaxed, prodded, and danced his way into my emotions. Feelings that I was told were irrelevant were important to him. He wooed me by pursuing me. He often told me how beautiful I was...but I had learned how hollow words could be, so I had a hard time accepting his love.
Becoming a mother of three, yes THREE, daughters challenged me to the depth of my being. I used to say, “God has a sense of humor for giving us three girls,” because I was horribly afraid of repeating the mistakes of my mother. A friend of mine wisely said that God gave me these girls to heal me from my mother wounds. I now believe that, but it still is difficult. Each challenge or milestone reminds me of the abuses from my childhood. I celebrate and grieve at the same time because I parent so differently from my mother. Remember these verses? “Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If then, being evil, you know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him?” Luke 11: 11-13 NASB. My mother gave me a snake and a scorpion--not literal ones, but figurative ones--in the form of feeling unlovable and worthless.
Fast forward to present day. I thought I knew what love was, but when it was never shown to you as a child, how can you truly comprehend it? I’ve completed many very good Bible studies--I had a head knowledge but it wasn’t in my heart. I had built protection around my heart. Hollow or sincere words of love did not penetrate my barrier. I was searching for healing….but not really understanding what I was missing.
God had always blessed me with the gift of visions and dreams, but I suppressed and denied them for a long time. As I began to earnestly search for healing through Him, He opened up the floodgates. I had a dream just a few weeks ago in March that altered my life forever. Here is my dream (as written immediately upon waking):
I was walking on a country road trail when I came face to face with a mountain lion. It flicked its tail and watched me for a few minutes, then came bounding toward me. I was terrified as this beast ran toward me! I was aware of someone behind me I needed to protect. As it ran toward me, I realized I shouldn't run but stand and fight--make myself look big. As I opened up my body to look big, it leapt in the air and tackled me. I then realized it wasn't coming to attack me but to greet me warmly. As we fell to the ground, that mountain lion was trying to hug me. I hesitantly realized it wanted to be scratched so I rubbed its belly vigorously as I watched in disbelief. I told the other person, “It's friendly and I think it wants me to scratch its belly.” As I reluctantly gave a big hug to this one, it growled a content growl that rumbled all the way through my being. I then awakened abruptly, still hearing that growling in my body. It was a strange sensation because it was a contented growl, a happy growl. I was so disoriented when I awakened it took me a few minutes to figure out where I was.
I later had a vision when working with my psychotherapist. I was struggling to make full sense of the growl. I felt strongly that the lion was the Holy Spirit but wanted to comprehend how it related to my brokenness. I received a picture in my mind of me emerging from a broken shell. Stripped naked, no identifying features, no sex, no hair--nothing but raw me. My naked and unused body slowly uncurled from its crouched position in the shell remnants. As I stretch into standing, my body eases into its new upright and unfurled position. There is nothing around me--no cages, no chains of bondage, no chaos, no hindrances...only ME, clean and unblemished. I have been set free to a new life!
I have broken through my cage of being unloveable and worthless. God revealed to me His love through the mountain lion growl. It was a deep love poured out upon me by the Holy Spirit--a visceral resonance that permeated to my deepest level. Every cell vibrated with His Love! It was overwhelming, consuming and revealing. This agape love isn’t conditional upon my achievements or appearances, but loves ME--the real me deep inside because of who I am in Christ. It was the essence of me stripped bare and clearly seen by the Father.
As a result of this dream, I am beginning to understand the depth of His love for me as well as my husband’s and daughters’ deep and abiding love. I am walking into the future holding fast to His promises as I continue working on the road to healing.
By Juliet Davis
(Because my mother is still alive, she would be very angry by what I’ve written about her. I am writing under a pseudonym to protect myself from her wrath. I chose to write this blog to give God the glory for the great thing He has done! Praise Jesus!)