Back to School - All the Feelings
Back to School- All the feelings
Today has been filled with many emotions. Today was the first day of school. We “successfully” sent off a high-schooler, who had a horrible morning, woke up late, bit everyone’s head off, yada, yada, yada, an intermediate-schooler who was anxious to return to pressure and constant demands but happy to see friends and meet new teachers, and we TOOK THE BABY TO KINDERGARTEN. That one hurt, and I mean HURT. Our baby boy has been ready for a while, but he’s still the baby. He’s the little guy that has been his Daddy’s apprentice for the last couple years, construction assistant, gopher, and lover of all things “working with Dad.” But, he’s ready. He knows exactly what he wants in life, speaks the unabated truth, is stubborn, analytical, perseverant, and very independent. I thought Daddy would have a harder time leaving that tiny little independent boy at school, but it was me. He told us he wanted us to just drop him off…please don’t walk me to class (refused to hold my hand). We walked him to class anyway, forced him to take a picture with his teacher and we waved goodbye while he looked at us like, “why are you still here?” I walked out and LOST it. Thank heaven for PTO tissue handouts and hugs from sweet friends and my husband!
With our kids being so spread out (age 22 down to age 6), we have had a little one our entire married life. And now we don’t. It really is the END of an era.
Back to school is such an interesting time for parents. It’s been such a roller coaster feeling all the associated emotions…excited, exasperation, anticipation, wonder, fatigue…did I remember to sign everything? Lunches all packed? Do they have enough water? It’s going to be hot. Do all their school supplies fit in their backpack and can they carry them? What day is P.E. again because they have to wear tennis shoes that day. I should make cookies for their first day coming home. Will little man be able to sit in that wide-open bus seat, he’s never been without a car seat before. There is so much to think about and prepare, not to mention caring for each of their hearts and needs during the transition. It’s exhausting, not to mention expensive…school supplies for 3 kids is NO JOKE!
But there is another side to back to school emotions. I have so much guilt at times because I’m typically that mom that can’t wait for school to start again. I crave a consistent routine for them, for ALL of us. I see all these moms who are so sad to be going back to school because they have enjoyed their time off with their kids so much. I’ve never been able to do that and because of that, trying to juggle working full time (and overtime) travel, my husband’s schedule and “all the things” on top of trying to ensure the kids are appropriately stimulated, cared-for, and coordinated. Even the “break times” that are filled with school trips and adventures abroad are still work… it’s fun work and I’m grateful sometimes my husband gets to come along, but it’s still work and it doesn’t include all our family (yet). I long for a break to the chaos and family fun…and for the energy to have fun! I long to NOT have to coordinate “all the things” for all the people on top of everything else. For me, the Summer season causes much more angst than joy. It definitely does not bring out the best in me.
I have a great deal of envy for those who have time (and money) to spend having fun and making memories with their kids over summer. It’s so easy to wish for what we don’t have or to fall into the trap of those filtered, fake social media posts and forget to be joyous about the blessings right in front of us. And, so often, I keep myself busy to keep from deeply feeling all the emotions. Today was different, and I’m so grateful.
Today, my heart needed to cry and feel all the emotions. We decided to come home after dropping little man off at school, and running to my office to pick up my computer. I just couldn’t do it today. I needed to take some time to be home and be held…by my husband and my creator. My usual “tough as nails” self would say, “this reaction is ridiculous and should never stop me from being productive and taking care of business.” I don’t typically take time to rest, to feel, to heal. It was glorious and Heaven sent! We listened to some soaking worship songs, cried and held each other. We cried for so much more than just dropping off our baby at Kindergarten. So much has been lost, so much has been stolen…but so much is GOOD!
I got to make those chocolate chip cookies today before the kids got home from school, and do some work, and clean the kitchen, and do some laundry. It was so refreshing to stay at home today and get things set right for our home (starting with our hearts) and to sign all those papers, pack lunches, and get everything organized for the week. I’m so grateful to have had this day to mourn, prepare, and be held in the loving arms of the Father and of my husband. This life is HARD and sometimes we just need to be held.
Little man had an interesting day. He fell asleep on the bus this afternoon, then got into it with his sister for waking him up and subsequently smacked her and got in trouble, requiring me to be called over and escort him off the bus. His school report was in his true fashion… “School was horrible! All we did was sit, and sit, and sit some more. Then we took a nap and sat some more. AND we didn’t get to go outside!” Then, he looked at the picture of him and his Daddy from early this morning and said, “That picture is EPIC!” He is mourning too. Luckily our older two girls enjoyed their days, getting to see friends and meet new teachers. Today, they are celebrating.
I am so grateful for my children who all had different versions of adventure today. I am grateful for their perspectives, all so different and challenging in their own way. (I will need to remind myself of this gratefulness later…probably tomorrow.) And I am grateful for a husband who knew exactly what and WHO my heart needed. God is close to all who mourn. We have been mourning the end of an era in our house, but we are hopefully optimistic in anticipation of our family’s future.
It really is the End of an Era…or is it the Beginning?
